Seduce Men

Insight into a man's mind, written by a man. What do men think of women? Why do men act like they do? This insight should indirectly teach you, how to seduce men and understand what men think and how men think. If you would like to ask a question about men, please leave your question on the comments page and I will try to answer it for you.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

19) How do you tell if a guy fancies you?

It is quite easy for a woman to tell whether a guy fancies them. I would say that most average looking women can expect at least 60% of guys to fancy them. Good looking women can expect that to increase to at least 90%. You probably don't believe me with this, but I base my findings on what my friends and male associates think of women. Of course this is just an initial thought of whether he fancies you. Based on looking across a room and seeing how attractive you are. Sorry to say this, but at this point most guys will be interested in whether "she is worth a shag", to put it bluntly.

The obvious sign that he is interested in you is whether his first lines of communication is a chat up line or an attempt at humour. He is obviously trying to impress you with his wicked sense of humour, not realising that women tend to hate chat up lines and male humour. His voice will be enthusiastic and not low and depressed. Men quite often sound as though they are making a forced, instinctive comment maybe because they are nervous or because they are keen to impress you.

Signs to look out for is whether his feet are pointing towards you, this shows he is paying close attention to you and is not desperate to walk away.

Whether he remembers things about what you said 10 minutes ago, if he is repeating a question that you have already answered, then he wasn't paying attention. A good sign is if he is asking you to elaborate on what you have just said, basically asking you to disclose a bit more information. The majority of men are not particularly good at talking, so what you will be looking out for is whether he is listening to you. In general, men don't bother with conversation unless they feel they are going to get some benefit out of it. These rules are thrown out when you are in a nightclub or disco though, because you can't hear a word anyone says when there is loud music. It's close to impossible to have any form of conversation in a nightclub.

Quite a few men are so bad at talking, you will barely get any words out of him at all. This is particularly the case if he is standing in a group. However you can still look for signs even though he is not talking. He will be focused on you but will be fiddling with his tie. Instead of talking he will exaggerate his laugh, particularly if you say something remotely funny. He will touch his ear lobes to signify he is listening intensely to what you are saying. He will thrust his chest, shoulders and arms out to make himself look more manly.

The less shy men will be trying to touch you on the arm or back whenever they get the chance. Men rarely touch women unless they find them attractive.

It is possible that some men might not find you attractive at first and if he doesn't find you attractive he will not approach you. Therefore you must approach him and attract his attention. You only have to engage in some brief conversation and if that conversation goes well and progresses onto a conversation that he enjoys, he will begin to warm to you. Men like women who are warm and caring and he will be proud of the fact that you thought he was worth talking to. He will gradually move from a closed position turned away from you, folded arms and defensive, and trying to run away, to an open position pointing towards you and listening intensely.

There are things that probably happen so fast you won't notice and they include licking the lips, touching the neck and face briefly, dilated pupils. When he is talking to you he will often rotate looking at your eyes, hair and lips and depending on what you are wearing he will also look briefly at your legs and boobs. Sometimes he will mentally try his best not to look at your boobs, but his brain will not be able to resist at least a few brief glimpses.

Mirroring is a very strong bond between you both. Mirroring basically means making the same or similar movements to the other person. For example you cross your legs then he crosses his legs. There is often a delay of maybe up to a few minutes and he won't mirror everything you do but should mirror most things. It is said that if you are not mirroring what the other person does within 15 minutes then you are not really connecting. If the guy is doing the opposite to mirroring then there is obviously no connection at all. I must also point out that mirroring is not just doing exactly the same things as you, it can be similar movements. So if you swing your hands, he probably won't swing them in exactly the same way but will make a similar hand movement just after you.

Negative body language includes covering his face with his hands, tapping or fiddling violently with objects (rather than caressing an object), playing with his finger nails, looking over your shoulder at someone else, staring into open space when you are talking. Conversation wise he will be giving short and sharp answers to questions and pointing his feet away like he is trying to run away.


  • At 6/29/2005 7:34 pm, Blogger futileefforts said…

    if a guy used to talk to you a lot and now no longer talks to you anymore at all after conversation got a bit weird after he realised that you liked him, what dies that mean?

  • At 6/29/2005 8:30 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    A similar thing happened to me, except in my case it was a woman who no longer talked to me. Eventually after giving her some time, I got my head around the fact she was only a friend. From that point onwards I have talked to her as a friend only. Actually I think it has added something else to the relationship in that she seems to be thinking, does he fancy me after all? (because I never actually told her I fancied her, I think she just worked out from what I said).

    In your case my interpretation is that it could mean one of two things:

    1) He saw you as a friend or a sister figure and enjoyed talking to you on a friendly/sisterly basis. He then found out you fancy him and because he does not fancy you, it has made him very uncomfortable around you. He probably can't get his head around the idea (Can I talk to her as a friend, even though I know she fancies me?). Men often find it very difficult to communicate and avoidance is usually what they opt for.

    My recommendation is to either forget about him or to try and engage him again as a friend, anything else it not going to work.

    2) He did fancy you but the conversation that you had creeped him out. Men very rarely tell a woman if they are creeped out by something.

    Just as women find some things that men say a little creepy, men find some things that women say creepy. With men it is usually something emotional that he finds creepy or coming on too strong, too quickly.

    It may seem something minor or petty to a woman, but believe me a mans mind works differently to a womans. For example asking Do you love me? or working out how many children you want and where you want to live on the first date or aggressive talk like I punched my last boyfriend because I think he was cheating on me or my last boyfriend treated me really badly.

    My recommendation in this case is again to engage him as friend (don't be too pushy or try to spend too much time with him). Try and avoid any conversation that makes him feel uncomfortable. If you are lucky he will forget about the conversation eventually and work you back into his life as a friend. Then if you are very lucky he might fancy you again.

    It could be that you are putting a barrier in the way without even noticing. I think this was probably the case with the woman I had a problem with. Without knowing it, I was avoiding her and my body language looked uncomfortable when she was around. As soon as I got my head round the fact she was just a friend and I valued her as a friend, everything was good again.

    In conclusion: the safest option would be to presume that he does not fancy you. Either forget about him or work him back into your life as a friend.

  • At 7/06/2005 6:16 pm, Blogger Sharon said…

    I had many conversations with a guy I fancied.He flirted with me, accidentally touched my leg and apologised, and replied to all my texts. He never sent me one text though which was odd. He invited me out with his mates once and I went but think I came on too strong (i texted him and asked him out again as soon as I got home) The following week i asked him out again and he said he would let me know but never got back to me. i decided to leave it and play it cool. Then 5 days later I had a car crash and texted him to tell him, I also added that I wouldnt bother him anymore with my texts. he replied immediately saying I wasnt bothering him and asking if I was alright. he also added lots of humourous comments. This is mixed messages. Does it sound like he does like me? Maybe I should try the direct face to face invite out instead of text?

  • At 7/06/2005 7:33 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Very difficult questions you asked there. I am not sure whether I can answer them accurately. I will break down each of your questions and answer them individually.

    Men don't accidentally touch a woman's leg. This was done on purpose especially seem as though he was flirting with you at the time. What was your reactions when he touched your leg? Did you react negatively in any way? If you did, he may have drawn the conclusion that you didn't fancy him.

    What type of bloke is he? Is he a verbally confident type of guy or is he a bit shy? If he is the confident type guy: he is probably trying to make you do all work. In other words you text him and show him how much you want him. If he is the shy kind of guy, he will probably hold back from texting you because he does not want to seem like a stalker. Moreover I always find that women give overkeen men the flick, so he may have learnt from past experiences not to contact women too much too soon.

    It is true that coming on too strong can scare many men off. Well it depends what you mean by coming on too strong. Most men don't want to see any signs of commitment to a relationship for the first few dates. And commitment includes overly possessive body language such as snuggling up to him when he is with his friends or using possessive language.

    But if you meant you came on too strong by offering him sex, then maybe he is the very rare shy type of guy that doesn't like jumping at a sexual opportunity. To most men, sex is not classed as commitment and therefore that is not classed as coming on too strong. Sounds odd but that's the way men think!

    However in your case it does not look good. You have asked him out twice and asking him out once should have been enough. I advise you to forget about him and move onto someone else.

    Unfortunately, no I would say he probably does not fancy you. Sorry to give you such bad news! If he really did fancy you, he would have jumped at your first attempt to ask him out, or at least the second.

    My best friend often texts women back when he is drunk, looking for sex or lonely. He does not want a long term relationship with any of them, he just does it on the spur of the moment. He then asks the women to come out with some of his friends on the spur of the moment. Then when it gets to the date, his mood is totally different because he is not drunk, not lonely and not gagging for sex.

    In your case you have made it clear that you fancy him, if he wants to take it further, he should be the one taking it further not you.

    I would say your chances of being with him were blown on the first night when he touched your leg and then said sorry about it. It did not necessarily go wrong because of your fault but was maybe that first night when you were not in sync with each other. It was not meant to be, so move on.

  • At 8/01/2005 10:04 am, Blogger jenny21 said…

    hi there, i have just come out of a six year relationship with my first boyfriend, so as you can gather im hopeless with men. i met a man a fortnight ago, and we flirted with each other. he told me to come into the bar he works in and made me promise to come see him, i went two days later and he gave me a free drink and touched my arm, so i thought everything was going well. the next time i saw him he hardly looked at me, didnt talk to me and made sure he stayed away from me at all times. i just dont understand whats happened...can you shed any light on the situation for me... thanks jenny

  • At 8/01/2005 7:18 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi Jenny

    First of all I am sure that you are not hopeless with men if you have been going out with one for 6 years. You just need a bit of practice and a bit of confidence, for women this tends to come naturally.

    Well this seems like very odd behaviour from him. I personally would never invite a lady I had just met to my workplace. It is not an ideal place for either the man (who is meant to be working) or the lady (who has come to get the undivided attention of a man). Was he drunk when he asked you? Men are prone to make silly requests when they are drunk.

    As for his avoidance the second time you saw him. Was he working, while he was avoiding you? Was it busy at his workplace? If so, then this would explain it, he was too busy to pay much attention to you.

    However I think you want a few more possible explanations. So here are the occasions when I would react in this way:

    1) If I really fancied the woman, I would only avoid the woman if I was tired. When I am tired, I am no fun at all to be with. For that reason I tend to avoid a woman that I fancy, particularly if we have just met and I don't want to give a bad impression.

    2) You may have done something to creep him out or embarrass him when you met at his workplace. You may neglect to see what could of creeped him out because men are sensitive to different things to women and men rarely say if something creeped them out. It could have been an overly possesive behaviour or over possessive language. For example saying "where are you going to take me on a date?" A fine question if you have been going out for a few weeks but very creepy and presumptive if he has not actually said he wanted to go out with you.

    3) He could have been playing hard to get. Women tend to give men the flick if they act overkeen. So what some men do, is go cold on a woman and see what her reaction is. This tends to intrigue the woman, as it has done in your case. But then the man usually responds again if you then see them another time. Playing hard to get is quite a frustrating game that both men and women play, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

    4) Since you saw him at his workplace, he may have found another woman. If he has, then he will lose interest in the majority of other women he knows.

    5) He does not fancy you anymore. Maybe you looked too desperate or screamed out potential stalker to him.

    6)He thought you gave off some negative vibes that you did not fancy him. He therefore sees little point in pursuing you any further. If he is not going to get any relationship then there is little point in talking to you.

    7) A lot of women say a man was avoiding them. When really it was her body language and lack of proximity to him that meant he avoided her. Did he try his best to avoid you? Or were you giving him little chance to let him approach you? Did you make any effort to approach him?

    I can not answer which of the above is the correct answer because I was not there. But hopefully you can choose a clear answer from the above based on your experience of the situation.

    My recommendation is to see him again and make yourself approachable and see what his reaction is. You can't possibly draw a conclusion from one bad incident. However if he avoids you again then move on, there are plenty more men out there.

  • At 8/05/2005 11:47 am, Blogger star12345 said…

    there is this guy work with and i talk to him alot.he used to flirt with me quite obviously with little things e.g like texting me commenting on how good i looked today and ringing me every night for no reason just to talk about anything and everything for half an hour. he also gets into converstions about relationships and asking if i was in one and if i told him where i would be later on, he would be there briefly. but a colleague/friend of mine was talking to him and said she knew someone that likes him and he guessed straight away it was me and told her he had already been told. but after that day he hasnt rung me or texted me and im the one who always has to text him first (which is rarely). what does this mean, does he like me and if so why doesnt he ring me anymore? also my coleague/friend cant really be trusted and i am begining to wonder if she has said something else to him? i really like this guy.

  • At 8/05/2005 1:29 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    I would have to say that the guy almost certainly fancied you in those early stages that you talk about. Men never flirt and make extreme efforts to chat with someone for a long time unless they fancy them. They may flirt and chat for short periods of time without fancing you, but certainly not a continued effort like you talk about.

    Something has obviously happened to make him not want to contact you.

    - He may have found a girlfriend.
    - He may have got fed up of making an effort with you and getting nothing back. Mistaking you for one of those women that flirt with men for fun.
    - He may have worked out that the only way to get your attention is to go silent and let you contact him.
    - Women always want what they can't have and men are the same. Now he knows you fancy him, maybe you have lost that appeal with him.
    - You are right your colleague might have said something bad to him. No offence to women, but never trust other women, because they are your competition!

    If you really fancy him then you need to find out what the situation is. The only way to find out is to find out from him, not from any of your colleagues and not through trying to mind read what he is thinking. It could be that you have left it too long and now he does not fancy you.

    The stakes are high and it is simply a question of how much you fancy him. Make a move if you fancy him a lot, move onto another man if you don't fancy him a lot. If he says no, there are plenty more men out there for you to look out for and it just wasn't meant to happen with you and him.

  • At 8/09/2005 1:30 pm, Blogger Meg33 said…

    I am very confused about a situation with a guy I know. I do an exercise class that he runs at the gym and it has been all smiles and very quick conversation at the end of class etc for months. Then he offered to treat me for a back problem as he is a physiotherapist and regularly treats people from the gym at his house. During the few times I went he told me how great he was in bed, that he didnt have a girlfriend, tickled me, made me put my hand on his hip to feel the joint and was kind of flirty but with me being so nervous around him as I had always fancied him I didnt respond. Since treatment he has continued to be nice and responded to a couple of texts I have sent to him but briefly.
    Since last week though he has been a lot cooler all of a sudden and just as I am getting the confidence up to be more flirty back etc he seems to have been a bit cool with me. Dont know if I have been reading everything wrongly as I am very bad at interpreting signals.

  • At 8/10/2005 6:26 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    First of all, there is no need to be nervous around men. You may think a man is in control and men might think they are in control too. In reality it is the woman who is in control. Women are more fussier in their choice of men and ultimately that makes them more in control as well as the ability to dictate at which point you want sex.

    Is he really a physiotherapist or has he used that as an excuse to get his hands on you? Have you seen his qualifications (his physiotherapist certificates I mean)?

    This guy obvious fancies you in some way. You don't invite a lady back to your house for free physiotherapy for nothing.

    Be very cautious here though. Does he want a relationship with you or does he want raw sex? Does he invite other women back for the same treatment? If he has a queue of women coming back to his place, then he is more than likely to use you for sex, as well as all the other women.

    If you are not bothered about being used for sex then go for it. Typically all men use women for sex, men want sex that's a fact. The difference is that some men use women purely for sex, others use women for sex but actually want a relationship as well (they are the ones to go for).

    The fact that he tickled you, put your hand on his hip and told you he doesn't have a girlfriend is just conclusive he fancies you in some way. The fact that he tells you how good he is in bed, is conclusive that he wants to have sex with you as soon as possible. That is why I said be cautious, unless of course you fancy a few months of wild sex too, without any relationship at the end of it.

    So he has turned cold, there could be more than one reason for this:
    1) He thought your nervousness meant you did not fancy him. Unlikely, if he boasts about how good he is at sex, his ego probably won't stretch to believing that you don't fancy him.
    2) He was not getting any sex out of you, so time to move on.
    3) He is going cold because that is what works on women. Women suddenly start wondering whether he really fancies them, and that ultimately makes the woman finally show the willing. He goes cold, a woman thinks she is losing her chance with him, he is ultimately giving her an ultimatum, "make your interest known or I'll move onto the next woman".

    I think the 3rd option is the most likely in this case. This guy will have loads of women coming back to his place and will be very experienced at playing women. He can afford to go cold on at least one, because the others are queuing up. By going cold on a woman he is more than likely to trap his prey, which is you in this case. Apparently it works most of the time, if the woman is really interested in the man.

  • At 8/18/2005 9:16 am, Blogger loveylisa said…

    a couple of weeks ago a man me and my friends had spoke to a few times was talking to my friend,i was talking to another friend at the time and just turned to say hi and carried on talking to my other friend.I could hear bits of their conversation and i herad my friend ask him about biting her bum...I had told her that i fancied him before.The next thing i know is he was biting mine and not hers,that obviously got my attention and turned round to talk to him.He touched my arm or back most of the time we were talking and i touched his arm too,at one point he took me away from my group and spoke to me on my own...Not long after that my friends told me they were leaving so i had to go,before i went he hugged me and gave me a peck on the lips then i got dragged out of the pub by my friends...There are four of us who go drinking together and we all fancied him before this happened,and have all said that it didnt mean anything.Last time a saw him he asked us to go out with him and his friends and introduced two of his mates to my friends and we couldn't take our eyes off each other.My friends saw what we were doing and tried to make me look stupid and telling him to ignore me and that i couldn't afford to go anywhere with them even though that wasnt true.After that he left the pub he did wave as he was leaving.What i want to know is does he fancy me or are my friends right and it dosn't mean anything...

  • At 8/18/2005 5:59 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Men in the know, will often pick a woman in a group that they don't fancy. It is less threatening for a man to talk to someone they are not attracted to. It also usually makes all the other women present jealous and interested in him. He can then tell from whether the other women make an effort to speak to him whether they actually fancy him.

    He definitely fancies you. Men don't go biting women's bums if they don't like the look of your bum. Would you bite a man's bum if you did not fancy him?

    Then just to confirm it, he starts touching your arm and your back. He obviously can't wait to get his hands all over your body. Judging by how fast he was moving it is a wonder he did not give you the creeps, which is usually what happens when a man does that to a woman.

    Again that peck on the lips, a man would not kiss a woman, particularly on the lips unless he was seriously interested.

    Yes he really was trying to get your friends out the way and pair them with his friends. So he could spend more time with you. Ultimately your friends are not going to fancy his friends though, because they are too excited about competing for him to be bothered with his friends.

    Your friends are the competition. They fancy him to, and in typical girly fashion, they try and manipulate the situation to push you out of the equation, so they can get their hands on him.

    It's conclusive, he fancies you!

  • At 8/23/2005 1:16 am, Blogger Danielle85 said…


    I've known this guy for a year now and i can't make out whether he fancies me or not. Last summer we started chatting in the local pub where i worked. We never arranged 2 meet up we just used 2 see each other in the pub and would have a drink. He would make jokes about me with others in the pub but not nastily, in a teasing way. I don't drink very often and one night when we were having a drink (me, him and my friend) i got very very drunk and he had 2 carry me home. Nothing happened although he carried me into my house and made sure i was ok before leaving. A few weeks later he took my number out of my phone and said he was going to text me, which he did. I really liked him and didnt know how he felt. He had just bought a new house and was refurbishing it whilst living with his parents. I am in university and live away during term time. It pained me so much not knowing what he thought i texted him saying i had feelings for him a couple of days before i was going back to university. He phoned me up explaining he wasn't looking for a relationship, he had alot of work with the house and his job and i would be away in uni with alot of comittment so it wouldn't work and that he liked us as friends but he also said he would never say never. We text each other a few times when i was in uni and had a drink when i came home for xmas, and he texted me on my birthday. Whenever we have a drink he always offers 2 buy my drinks and food if we have any. This summer we have got on alot better and he has moved into his house which he lives in alone. A few nights after being in the pub we have ended up in his house with a chinese talking about nothing in particular. Nothing has happened between us, not even a kiss. One of my friends saw him out in the pub recently and when she was drunk she told him he was invited out for a meal for her birthday as my date and he said yes, although he hardly knows her. Lately he's been texting me more than usual, and where i usually text first this last week he has started to text me first. I went out with my friend and i invited him out even though he had work the next day. He said he may come out later, then when later came he said he may be out a bit later if i was still out. He didn't come out but the next day he text me apologising sayin his friend who he hadn't seen for a while came 2 see his new house for the first time. Another night me and my friends went out for a quiet drink and a meal and he was asked 2 come but he said he'd already started 2 make food and that he had work in the morning. But later on he text me asking how my meal went. He seems a really shy guy and i'm a really shy person aswell. All my friends tell me to ask him but i don't want to be rejected again, and believe if he likes me he'll let me know because i told him how i feel although it was a year ago. Im also due to go back to university shortly and i'm scared that nothing will happen between us but i'm also too proud to make the first move. I just think im reading the situation wrong and that being the friendly guy he is, we are just getting on really well as friends and nothing more because surely something would have happened by now.

  • At 8/23/2005 6:42 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    I am very confused about your story too, hopefully by the time I have finished this post I will have come to a conclusion.

    You say "He phoned me up explaining he wasn't looking for a relationship, he had alot of work with the house and his job." The only man I know that has said something similar to this is myself. I have turned women down because I was going through a very busy period in my life, where I could not focus my undivided attention on a woman. Once I got those priorities sorted out, I was then back on the market for women.

    I like to focus on specific tasks and get them out the way before progressing onto another big task. Believe me, giving women your undivided attention is a very big task. I am not being derogatory about women but they require a lot of attention and they drive a man to distraction whether he is at work or at home, women drain our energy. For that reason if we are reaching an important point in our career we like to focus on that. After all we might not get the chance to improve our career ever again, whereas there are plenty of women in the world to focus our attentions on when we have got this fixed. But I would say not that many men would adopt this attitude if a woman came along that we could not resist.

    You say "He seems a really shy guy and i'm a really shy person aswell". Again I don't mean to be derogatory to women because I reckon the same maybe true of men. But quite a few men have bad experiences early on in life with women. It damages a man's self confidence with women.

    Quite a few men ask women out and get what I call a bad attitude answer, which includes "get lost loser, do I look desperate, with a nerd like you" As he is walking away all the ladies giggle at him, not a nice feeling. This naturally damages a man's confidence about getting a girlfriend. Also if he does get a girlfriend will he be able to keep her occupied after all he now believes he is a nerd or a loser because so many women have told him so.

    This gives a man a phobia and complex of asking women out and even if a woman offers herself on a plate he may fear he will not hold onto them. So the best way to avoid the hurt of being dumped is to totally forget about women and live a life of singledom. Of course he can then focus on women as just friends. But I really am not sure whether this is the case in your situation.

    You say "being the friendly guy he is, we are just getting on really well as friends and nothing more" This is a possibility but the only way you will find out this is to spend time together. It maybe that he did not fancy you, but as you get closer as friends he may start to see you as more and more attractive. Eventually you will be having a laugh together, might find your eyes meet at once, and then you start that spontaneous kiss. Don't try and force it, just see if it happens.

    The way I see it, in your situation, is that you have made it clear to him your feelings, so it is up to him to make the next move. If he really and truely fancies you, he will make a move eventually. Of course you should not wait around for him, you should be looking for other options, because he might not fancy you.

  • At 8/26/2005 1:08 pm, Blogger erosok said…

    Some of this was very helpful as I am trying to work out if a bloke fancies me and ho to follow up on it if he does. Let me explain: we've known each other for years, but I've been in two, committed, relationships during that time - the second of which broke up two months ago. Before that happened though this bloke and I were getting on better than we ever had (jokes, smiles) and while we didn't talk about what was going on with my relationship he was very sympathetic. Other than that he is known as a bit of a flirt, but it seems very specific with me - in the sense that other people have started to look at me a bit strange when we are together in front of them (possibly because I tend to get rather more of his attention than they do and sometimes when we look at each other as a result of what someone else has said, those eye-contact smiles are a bit 'private' feeling, and we've started standing inside each other's personal space a bit, also we occassionally walk part way home from work together). Anyway, we went to the cinema together to see a German film and I accidentally (honestly, accidentally) rested my arm against his (thought it was the chair back!), being embarrassed - in case he thought I was pushing things - I moved my arm forwards, and then so did he! Needless to say, I didn't move again and though both of us shifted to get comfortable our upper arms stayed in contact until the end of the film. We had coffee and a chat afterwards and I said that I'd had a lovely time and really enjoyed his company, to which he said he had too and we must do it again sometime, to which I said that that would be nice. Since then though things seem to have dropped off - I've mentioned a film I'd like to see (just us) and an art gallery/exhibition that I'm going to with friends (a group and an interest of his) but he's avoided both (in the sense of not clearly saying yes or no but talking about other things). Other than that things are pretty much the same as before (smiles, jokes, interrupting what either of us is doing to have coffee when the other is free) with two differences. Firstly, he has popped down to my office (usually we talk in the staffroom or in his office as I pass it on the way to mine) to see if I'm going for coffee once and secondly, while he started out talking to my face he had recently (pre-cinema) started occassionally looking at my tits (which are quite nice, if I do say so myself! so I wasn't upset by that), now though (and this is making me a bit puzzled/uncomfortable) he's started looking at my midriff/hips sometimes.
    Essentially, I'm confused! I think he fancies me. I fancy him, but don't want to ruin the friendship (which is very good, we can talk about serious family/health stuff - the flirty stuff is a nice added layer on top) by doing something too overt - or plain stupid if he's changed his mind. I just can't get past the fact that he smiles at me as if the sun had come up when he sees me. Help! And thanks.

  • At 8/27/2005 10:59 am, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    You say "I moved my arm forwards, and then so did he". You can class that as 'mirroring' and that is a sign that he either fancies you or you are a very close friend. Judging by the length of time you have known each other, it could be either. Close friends do mirror each other and touch each other so it is not conclusive evidence that he fancies you but add a few other signals and it might become conclusive.

    You mentioned a film and an art gallery, both of which you know he likes. Have you just mentioned it or have you actually asked him to come? Women often seem to have this problem that they will hint that they want to go somewhere but won't actually ask the question. For example, a woman would say "I'm going to the art gallery with my friends this Sunday" instead of "I'm going to the art gallery with my friends this sunday, do you fancy coming?" Men are not the slightest bit psychic, if you want to ask him a question, ask him, don't leave him to guess whether you are asking him to come or not.

    The majority of men are not as socially intelligent as women. If you just make a statement and he thinks of saying "I would not mind going myself" (he will probably think he is being pushy, clingy or sounding desperate saying this), then you say "oh no it is just for my friends", then he will find it difficult to cope with that social situation. So usually he will avoid saying it in the first place.

    You say "started occassionally looking at my tits, he's started looking at my midriff/hips sometimes". As friends you can expect him to give you a lot of eye contact and focus on your face a lot and maybe drift down your body very occasionally. But if you have noticed him looking at your tits and your hips on more than a few occasions, I think you can safely say that he is thinking of what it would be like to get his hands on them. In the first paragraph I was saying that mirroring alone is not conclusive, it must be supported by other signals, I think the signals he is giving here supports the mirroring signals that he fancies you.

    To me you are showing classic signs of knowing each other for a long time. You value each other as close friends, but because of that close friend thing neither of you want to risk losing the friendship by making the final move and tell the other you are interested in more than that.

    It is difficult to say how to cautiously try and push your relationship further because you have to do it correctly for it to work.

    Realistically you want a situation where you are both alone together, no distractions from other people and where you are more able to concentrate and relax in each others company. Invite him back to your place for dinner or to watch a DVD. Maybe he is good at fixing computers or electrics or plumbing in which case you can invite him back to your place to help out. Bear in mind he might expect sex if you do this.

    A cinema or theatre is a very good place to get started. There's nobody watching and you can ACCIDENTALLY touch. You say you pulled away from him. You found out he wasn't bothered by you touching him. So why bother pulling away from him anymore. If he moves just say sorry was that your arm or just pretend you did not notice.

    Any chance you get to move near to him without it looking forced, take it. For example you are walking through a crowd, keep pressing against him or sticking close to him, if you get the chance grab hold of his hand because you want to make sure you don't lose each other in the crowd.

    Ultimately it requires one of you to take a risk and risk your friendship. Lets face it while you are waiting around he could end up finding someone else, would that be more devastating? If you make the move and he doesn't fancy you, there are plenty more people you can have as close friends.

    Please bear in mind that I hope my take on your situation is correct but I am neither there to experience it, nor am I right all time. It is ultimately up to you to evaluate the situation. Good Luck!

  • At 8/29/2005 1:50 pm, Blogger Michie said…

    I think a guy at my work place fancies me and I fancy him to bits. He is very friendly to me i.e. asks me if I want a drink when I'm near his desk but then he is a very friendly guy in general. He doesn't speak to me as much as he does others but when he is talking to others around me I notice that he sneaks glances at me from time to time and when he does talk to me he is very enthusiastic and jokes a lot. However both he and I seem unable to have extended conversations with each other, I know that I tend to almost run away because I am shy. I am not sure if we are mutually attracted to each other or if he is just a friendly guy and I'm mistaking his nice personality for something else.

  • At 8/29/2005 3:52 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    You say "He is very friendly to me i.e. asks me if I want a drink when I'm near his desk but then he is a very friendly guy in general".
    It is very difficult to say whether he fancies you based on that, you usually need quite a few more signals to get conclusive evidence.

    I am a very friendly guy and I offer to get drinks for loads of women in my office, most of them are 40+, so needless to say I don't fancy them that much. Though in your case, I would say it is a positive signal, even though on it's own it is not conclusive whether he fancies you. Offering you a drink is basically an invitation to get to know you a bit more whether as a friend or something more. He obviously wants to engage you in conversation and keep you at his desk for some reason, and his way of doing that is to offer you a drink.

    You say "He doesn't speak to me as much as he does others". This means nothing! It neither approves or disapproves that he fancies you. In my case I am often scared and nervous of going over and talking to someone I fancy. You can almost build up a phobia of talking to the woman you fancy because you don't want to blow it. First of all you might give the woman the creeps or look like a stalker, secondly what does a man say without blowing his chance, thirdly he does not want to look desperate (because women hate desperate men!).

    It could be that he is using the other women to attract your attention, it could be that he is using you to attract another womans attention, it could be that he is just a genuinely friendly guy and likes talking to women. Plus as you are quite shy, you probably give him less chances to talk to you.

    You say "when he is talking to others around me I notice that he sneaks glances at me". Now that is more like the sort of thing you are looking for. If he is talking to someone whilst looking at you. He is either finding them boring and really wants to talk to you, he is actually talking about you at the time, or he wants to show off to you or see if you are jealous at the fact that he is talking to someone else, or else he could be looking at the woman sat behind you (if there is one sat behind you).

    You say: "when he does talk to me he is very enthusiastic and jokes a lot" When men talk to women we fancy or a friend we enjoy having a conversation with, our voices naturally become more enthusiastic. Add jokes to it, and he is obviously trying to impress you with his sense of humour. It is almost starting to become conclusive that he fancies you with all these signals you have identified.

    You say "However both he and I seem unable to have extended conversations with each other" This is often the case when people fancy each other. Both people are nervous and the conversation seems like a forced battery of one liners. Initially this can probably help you, because you will become more of a challenge to him. If he knows your nervous, he will want to break down that nervousness. If he doesn't know your nervous then he will be thinking, why do you keep running off. Though after a while this may become too much of a barrier and he may give up.

    What would help though is if you relaxed, it maybe that you are passing your shyness on to him and making him nervous. It really is not necessary being nervous, you should relax and enjoy the conversation. It is actually easy for me to say that, but in the circumstances the adrenaline is probably pumping through your body and you will have butterflies in your stomach. This is a natural reaction for your body and is actually said to make you look more attractive (so I've read in pyschology books). Even if he looks super confident, you can bet he is feeling nervous too.

    It is way too early for you to make a move on him yet and way to early for both you and him to decide whether you really fancy each other. You should keep progressing slowly and when you are getting a decent conversation out of each other, you will both begin to realise whether you fancy each other or not. You've got to give it time and give both of you chance to relax around each other. Don't try to progress the possible relationship too fast.

  • At 8/31/2005 1:43 pm, Blogger erosok said…

    Thanks, I know that you aren't where I am and may not be right but every bit of insight helps. Especially with the body language -I had a friend who suggested he was 'checking out your child-bearing/nurturing capabilities' and I nearly puked: even if you're not right I feel more comfortable with things.
    I think on reflection that I had been a bit too subtle with the invites (so as not to seem pushy myself!), so will bear in mind the male mind and be a bit more obvious next time! You're right about taking a risk and if I don't I don't think he will (he's older than I am, and made a few comments about his age a few weeks ago which seemed designed to see if it bothers me - it doesn't, we get on too well for that - and he's not mentioned it since), so basically this is to say thank you for the suggestions about accidental touching, but if they don't work I'm not going to blame you :-) Interestingly enough he's just nearly (but not quite) touched my arm/back himself while ushering me through a door and now I've paid attention to the 'mirroring' thing it's something we both do unconsciously quite a lot (leg crossing towards each other, hands touching our cheeks, leaning one elbow on our kness) I think we're going to get there! It's unfortunate that he's totally DIY inpractical and doesn't even garden so the more obvious dinner/DVD will have to do. All I need now is an appropriate time and to realise that if I get knocked back its not the end of the world as at least I tried and it may be better to regret doing something than regret doing nothing in this case. Thanks again!

  • At 8/31/2005 6:10 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Thanks for your comments.

    Sorry to make you nearly puke again but I reckon your friend is right. His conscious brain will be thinking I can't wait to get my hands on her body. His unconscious brain will be assessing your child rearing capabilities.

    So whilst he will only be consciously thinking I can't wait to get my hands on her, his unconscious brain will be assessing your potential fertility.

    Just like your conscious brain is probably assessing his personality whereas your unconscious brain is probably assessing his ability to produce babies and protect you(even if you are not interested in babies at the moment).

  • At 9/02/2005 1:49 pm, Blogger Michie said…

    I decided to take your advice and let things happen at there own pace but now everything seems to have come to a halt. The guy whom I fancy still jokes when he's around me and blatantly attempts to make me laugh but we can't get pass the smiley jokey phase and it's soo frustrating. It just seems impossible to strike up a proper conversation and I'm starting to think that this might mean that we have no chemistry (otherwise we'd be able to talk to each other for longer than ten seconds). I'm leaving my workplace in two weeks and I'm in two minds. One part of me feels that I should just forget about this guy but the other half would hate to leave things as they are if he does fancy me because I really really like him. We seem to be a bit wary around each other but I am not sure whether this is because he knows that I fancy him and is scared off or if he fancies me and thinks that I know but am uninterested and so he’s a little embarrassed. It's all so confusing. Is there anyway that I can know how he feels without scaring him off or embarrassing myself or should I just move on?

  • At 9/03/2005 11:57 am, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi Michie
    Really it is not unusual for someone to be unable to strike up a conversation with someone they fancy. An absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman started at my workplace 2 weeks ago. The most I have managed to say to her is "Oops who put that box there". I just don't know what to say!

    Don't be frustrated, because frustration is likely to make you do something you regret. It is only natural for you to be nervous and therefore lack conversation initially with someone you fancy.

    You say "I'm leaving my workplace in two weeks and I'm in two minds". This is an ideal chance to make a move. You are leaving so it does not matter too much if you make a fool of yourself. You probably won't get to see him or many of these other people again if it goes wrong.

    The fact is you might regret in future years not making a move. If he says no, then just take it as a bit of experience and there are plenty of other guys. If you are leaving for a new job, you might find a different guy in your new workplace.

    If you leave without making it clear to him, you know where he works and you know his number. So you can still contact him. Are you having a leaving party, and is he invited? Classic chance to get to know him a bit more.

    There is a possibility, if he is really interested in you, he will make a move at the last moment. He won't want you leaving without having the chance to find out whether he fancies you. But don't leave it until that possibility, try and devise a cunning plan to make it fairly clear to him you are interested without embarrassing yourself.

    I can't really advise how to go about this, because I am not sure of how your workplace is laid out and what the routines are at your workplace. But the way I see it, you are leaving, so the embarrassment is going to be minimal. You can either find out whether he fancies you or you can spend the next few years wondering whether you should have found out.

  • At 9/04/2005 3:11 pm, Blogger happy but confused said…

    Right, where I work, an outside contractor who comes to the office once a month has been paying me a lot of attention (to the point where everyone has noticed) at first I was embarassed by it because I was flatterd and I didn't know how to react. Then I read "The Rules." Oh dear - next time he was in the office I think I gave him the cold shoulder, in an attempt to keep him keen, because I was all "Ruled up." He gave some distance then, but the minute I realised what I was doing I started being nice to him he responded likewise (nothing flirty, just small talk.) I'm leaving my job and I'm going to be living a lot nearer him now. When my boss sent an e-mail round saying I was leaving to move down south etc, this guy e-mailed me to say congratulations and to give him a shout when I was down and he'd buy me a celebration drink. I couldn't work out if he was just being friendly but I bit the bullet and e-mailed him my number (i made a joke about how would we contact each other.) he e-mailed his number back to me in a "by the way". After another e-mail or two (smalltalk, over two days so not much at all) he didn't reply and now I've left the office for good so no longer have that e-mail address. Now he has my number and I have his, but I haven't heard in four days. The worst of it is, my mate called his cellphone off my phone. She let it ring once and hung up, so now he has a missed call from me. Needless to say, I haven't heard from him. Am I reading too much into it or is he likely to be interested? (Was he just being nice?) He will have had a missed call off me Friday but it's Sunday and I haven't heard. I don't know if to contact him when I move down next week, or if I'm just misreading things and I'll never hear from him again and should leave it at that - after all, if he was just being friendly and maybe he even has a girlfriend, I don't want to make a fool out of myself by chasing a guy who was just being friendly. Please help, I can't stop thinking about this. I think I'm pretty because I get a lot of male attention, but I've also read the Rules, which say that if you contact a guy to arrange a date, he'll think you're desperate and treat you like shit. I'm sure I made that mistake with my last boyfriend (doing all the chasing) and he totally took me for granted so I don't want to make the same mistake again.

  • At 9/07/2005 7:34 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Sorry, my honest opinion here, but it is best to be honest than leave you with the wrong conclusion. Of course my opinion could be wrong though.

    You say "The worst of it is, my mate called his cellphone off my phone. She let it ring once and hung up, so now he has a missed call from me". To be honest not the right thing to do, phoning up and ringing once. Women play these games all the time, I think men get very bored with them. Or he may think you are taking the mick out of him. I personally hate it when people (male or female) phone and ring off, particularly if it is a female playing games.

    You say "Am I reading too much into it or is he likely to be interested?" No I would say he almost certainly fancied you. The reason being he actually made the effort to make sure you had his phone number and invited you to see him. You don't make that sort of effort with someone unless you are interested.

    You say "He will have had a missed call off me Friday but it's Sunday and I haven't heard". Sorry to be blunt, it is not a missed call, it is prank call because it only rang once. He may have actually heard it ring that once, when it rang off, he knew you were either joking, had phoned the wrong number, changed your mind or were playing games. None of those options give him any incentive to phone back.

    You are certainly not the only woman to do this phone thing, I have experienced plenty. I think many women forget that men don't think like them. Correct me if I'm wrong but a woman would automatically become curious about who has phoned them and what they wanted. A man doesn't think this way at all.

    You say "I don't know if to contact him when I move down next week". Well if you don't contact him you will never find out. Yes he may have a girlfriend, but again you will never find out if you don't contact him.

    You say "I don't want to make a fool out of myself by chasing a guy who was just being friendly" How are you going to make a fool out of yourself. If he says no, you probably won't see him again in your life anyway. Whereas if you don't contact him you will be wondering for the next few years whether he really did fancy you.

    You say "I've also read the Rules, which say that if you contact a guy to arrange a date, he'll think you're desperate and treat you like shit". There are some guys that will think you are desperate by asking for a date, and they will treat you like shit, I know what you mean there. But if he does turn out like that, you can just dump him. Do you really want to be with a guy that treats you or any woman like shit anyway? Not all guys are like this, only the guys that are popular with women and know they can push it. These are guys that love themselves and not women. Stay well away from guys like this! But you don't know whether he is like that yet!

    You say "I'm sure I made that mistake with my last boyfriend (doing all the chasing)" Yes, you shouldn't do ALL the chasing, but either one or the other needs to do the chasing at various points or it is not going to work out.

    It's up to you. Do you want to find out whether he fancies you? The longer you leave it the more likely he will forget about you. I must say the way you describe your situation to me. He did fancy you, but may have changed his mind. He could have changed his mind for any number of reasons, he did like something you said in your e-mail, he did not like that prank phone call, he has found another girlfriend or something else. Of course I'm not there to experience what you have experienced so I could easily be wrong.

    Lastly I seem to remember he asked you out for a celebration drink. Do you really need to ask him out or do you need to remind him about the celebration drink he offered you?

  • At 9/07/2005 9:11 pm, Blogger happy but perplexed said…

    Hello, same person as you replied to but got logged out so had to login again.
    Since I last wrote and before you replied, stuff happened which might help interpret the situation more? I texted him to ask how his new house was and to apologise for my mate. He texted back saying "who are you" when i texted my name back he called straight away and apologised for not knowing who it was. We chatted for five minutes and he made me laugh a lot. Then he said "I'm sure you have a lot to be getting on with so I'll let you go." (was that a brush off?) When we were saying goodbye he said to call him when I was down and he'd buy me that drink. Should I, or is he just being friendly?
    Thank you wonderful man for giving us girlies some sort of direction!

  • At 9/07/2005 9:15 pm, Blogger happy but perplexed said…

    Oh, and he didn't know who it was because he hadn't put my number in his phone.

  • At 9/11/2005 6:10 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    You say "I texted him to ask how his new house was and to apologise for my mate" Spot on, good idea!

    You say 'When i texted my name back he called straight away. Then he said "I'm sure you have a lot to be getting on with so I'll let you go." (was that a brush off?)'
    I'll answer that with a question: Why would he call you just to give you the brush off? Probably could not think of anything else to say or wanted to keep the conversation short, not a brush off otherwise he would have avoided calling you. If he wanted to give you the brush he would have either not responded or took the easy option and text you.

    You say "he said to call him when I was down and he'd buy me that drink." Again why offer to buy you that drink and ask you to call him if he was not interested in you!

    Should I, or is he just being friendly?
    If you don't you won't find out. If he is just been friendly then why not trying being his friend.

    You say: "Oh, and he didn't know who it was because he hadn't put my number in his phone". Sorry that makes me laugh. Because a woman's imagination creates all these stories about why he hasn't contacted her, and it turns out he did not have your number in the phone. It usually works out as something as simple as that with men, yet women seem to let their imagination run wild.

    You say "Thank you wonderful man for giving us girlies some sort of direction!" Hopefully I am helping many women and indeed men on their way to some good relationships.

  • At 9/14/2005 4:55 pm, Blogger reddevil said…

    Could you help me out by telling me what this mean a male said i enjoy being with you and would go straight downstairs rather than upstairs.

  • At 9/14/2005 6:00 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Not sure in what context he used this phrase but I would GUESS he means:
    He wants to give you cunnilungus. Cunnilingus is a very intimate sexual act, that men generally only do when they deeply want to satisfy their woman. It involves licking you down below, (hence he uses the word downstairs) basically giving oral sex to the woman.

    I think the ladies visiting this web site would be better qualified to answer whether this is pleasurable or not. But I believe most women absolutely adore it when their man gives them oral sex (if he does it correctly!)

    Some men would find it uncomfortable doing this form of sexual act in the early stages of a relationship.

    Here is a web site where you can read up a bit more:

  • At 9/19/2005 2:43 pm, Blogger Fit'n'Frustrated said…

    I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years, although recently we have been going through a rough patch (i.e. no sex!)
    Over the past 2 months I have become crazily attracted to this guy who works at my gym. The first time I met him we were chatting and he made a reference to his girlfriend. I am assuming they are still together, but I don't know what their situation is. I have never mentioned to him that I have a boyfriend.
    I am crazy about him. I think he is interested in me too, but I am really crap at reading the signs! I always think people are just being really friendly (I myself often get accused of flirting with people when I am just being friendly); how can I tell the difference? And how can I let him know that I am very interested in him without embarrassing myself? I feel I have been out of the dating game for so long I have become a bit clueless. We did go for a coffee after our last workout and he kissed me goodbye on the cheek, but couldn't that just be him being friendly??

  • At 9/20/2005 11:13 am, Blogger Ali T said…

    I have recently been introduced to one of my partner's friends and we hit it off immediately. My partner is 9 years older than me and this guy is the same age as me. We started off just getting to know each other and found out we have a lot in commeon and then it moved on to a flirty friendship. He hadn't really spent much time at our house before this (once or twice a year) and suddenly he seemed to be there all the time. Early on I was stood in the kitchen and he walked past me and touched my waist and I guessed then there was an attraction. We progressed to some fairly blue text messages and e-mails and sat and ate lunch together a few times. Then late one night when my partner was not around I asked him if he'd come round (I know I shouldn't have and to my suprise he did. We kissed and he touched me but then he said he had to leave. I understand why, with him being friends with my partner, and we are now trying not to contact each other. Problem is I don't think this is just lust (on my part) and I am finding it really hard not to see him or contact him. He seems not to be struggling with this at all and I am starting to wonder exactly what (if anything) I actually mean to this guy. So can you tell me this? Did I just make a complete fool of myself for someone else's amusement?

  • At 9/23/2005 12:40 pm, Blogger fedup said…

    I need some advice. I met this guy at my brothers wedding. He is my brothers friend. The week of my brothers wedding we spent nearly every day together and the inevitable happened. As soon as he got of the plane I heard from him. we have spoken nearly every day for the last 2 weeks. I have been and stayed with him for a weekend. He was quite sweet and tactile in the house but not outside. My cousin says she gets mixed messages from him. One minute being quite sweet and then the next minute playing it mr cool. My brother and his wife have been doing some prying and I told him this. His return comment being that I am a good girl, full of fun and we are good friends who happen to have sex. Now I am confused? Is he having his cake and eating it and why does this always seem to happen to me?

  • At 9/24/2005 3:31 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    For Fit N Frustrated
    Men often tell women they have got a girlfriend, because women seem to find men more attractive if they already have a girlfriend (women may deny that fact but it is true, believe me).

    You say: "I always think people are just being really friendly (I myself often get accused of flirting with people when I am just being friendly); how can I tell the difference?"

    Men very rarely flirt very well with women they don't fancy. And if men are not interested at all in a woman, they generally won't make any effort to speak or flirt with them.

    "We did go for a coffee after our last workout and he kissed me goodbye on the cheek, but couldn't that just be him being friendly?" Do men go out and have coffee with any woman they set their eyes on? Do men kiss any minging woman on the cheek? I don't think so, if he kissed you on the cheek, he is either gay or he finds you attractive.

    So next time you see him, after the workout, ask him if he wants to go for another coffee.

  • At 9/24/2005 3:58 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    For Ali T
    You said "What (if anything) I actually mean to this guy?"

    Well it is difficult to say. He may just want a brief fling with you and some dangerous sex or he may be very interested in a long term relationship with you. A brief fling really is too risky in this situation because he is friends with your current partner, so I would guess he is interested in you, long term.

    This will explain just what a difficult situation he is in: He is a close friend of your partner. He can find other women elsewhere but he can't replace his long term core group of friends. It is likely if he runs off with you or has an affair with you, then your partner and all his friends are likely to gang up on him. Very likely that a punch up will ensue and he will be left without a group of friends and probably without you as well.

    You say: "Did I just make a complete fool of myself for someone else's amusement?" Men are very different to women. Men very rarely gossip, they keep things to themselves, particularly if it is going to damage his reputation or result in his friend or friends knocking him out. So he is NOT likely to go to his friends and say "Guess what, my best friends partner tried it on with me the other day". No, you didn't make a fool of yourself. If he touched your waist and even kissed you, then he was obviously interested.

    Things just got too scary for him, he would of probably visualised what what happen if you partner stepped through the door and saw you both.

    Realistically, you are only going to get together if you are single. Even then I would not make yourself single just to see if he shows interest. The fact is that you are partners with his friend and if he is willing to take the risk and is ready to push your relationship further, he will make the next move.

    My recommendation to you is try and forget about him, unless you have had enough of your partner. Then you should split up with your partner before making a move on his friend. Otherwise you are going to cause mental strife to this guy you are interested in, as well as your current partner.

    It's up to him to make the next move, he is the one who left the situation, when it got too hot. But don't expect him to come back, because it is unlikely.

  • At 9/24/2005 4:23 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    For Fedup
    "Is he having his cake and eating it?"
    Unfortunately sorry to say this, but from what you said, that is exactly what he is doing. And more than likely doing it to many other women as well.

    Recommendation: if he is like this, ditch him!

    "Why does this always seem to happen to me?"
    As I say in one of my articles, never have sex with a man for at least the first few dates. That way you find out if you have got long term potential or if he is just trying to get into your knickers.

    In reality though, women tend to radar in on the wrong men. It is only after a few years of experience with men that you can start to pick out the nymphomaniacs from the men looking for a long term relationship. All men ultimately want sex but you have to distinguish whether they want sex and a long term relationship, not just the sex on it's own.

    See one of my past articles for more recommendations:
    (Article 7 How do I find a guy that is not just interested in sex?)

  • At 9/28/2005 9:51 pm, Blogger may said…

    I know this man for about 9 months, but only go out with him for the last 4 months. From the beginning, he and I agreed to be friend because he said he is not interested in me in the romantic way. Our pattern of going out usually includes going to some public place (the beach, park,
    restaurant...) and then go back to his place to watch TV together. And there was no physical contact whatsoever between us. There was one time, we were having an arm wrestling match at his place. After the game over, he seemed reluctant to let go of my hands. Things went back to the normal pattern (no physical contact) after that night. 2 weeks ago, he misunderstood something I said and I was trying to explain myself to him. Suddenly I felt like crying and told him that. He took me into his arms and tried to comfort me by stroking my hair, message my neck, my head (We were standing at the kitchen at
    that time). About 10 minutes later, he asked if I wanted to move to the sofa. And when we got over there, he lifted me up and put me onto his lap. This really surprised me because I know he is a very conservative man. In the past, he told me he does not like to have any kind of intimacy with his female friends. The next time we were at his place, he couldn't control himself and did his intimate act again (nothing important, just holding me and massaging my neck).
    Later on that night, he suggested that we shouldn't see each other again in a private environment because it provides too much temptation. I said ok. The very next night we ended up at his place and one more time he reached for me (I never initiated any physical contact between us. I just went along everytime). This time, he got
    really upset and said I had been disordered his life and he does not want to see me again. He said he will try not to call me and when I asked him why use the word "try". He got all upset and refused to answer. I told him, if he does not want to see me again, I will respect his decision. The next night, he emailed me appolozing and said we don't need to go to the extreme, we still can hang around together but have to be careful so that we don't do something that we will regret later. This man confuses me! I have no idea what he wants. Because when he said he is not interested in me romantically, I accepted it and never expected anything besides friendship from him. And during
    our time together, he kept reminding me I am not the one for him but now for some reason he cannot keep his hands off me and everytime he went out of line, he got all upset. What is going on?

  • At 10/01/2005 4:21 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi May
    There are some occasions when a man starts off not fancying a woman. Even if he did not find that woman attractive when he first met her, after spending a lot of time with her, you can start to find her attractive.

    What women and indeed men don't realise is that personality can play in an important part in attraction. Only after knowing someone for a while will they be able to assess whether they do or don't like someones personality.
    After a while the physical attraction can be clouded by the fact that you find their personality attractive, and the person as a package becomes attractive. (As can be seen in long term relationships and marriages, where as years go by the man and woman get less physically attractive but generally more attracted to each other personality wise).

    You would kind of hope that the above was what was happening in your case. But there maybe other reasons.

    Sometimes men become confused, they become confused between female friends and female girlfriends. This is generally only the case when they have known a lady for a long time. Men find it difficult to seperate female friends from female girlfriends. Quite often men avoid making female friends because of this complication. The typical stance they take with females is they either have a relationship with them or they do not want to know them.

    Quite a few men have a big appetite for sex, but not a particularly big appetite for relationships. Mens hormones are constantly up and down. Women go through a very hormonal stage once a month, men tend to go through a very hormonal stage once a week. If you are there when he is going through one of his very hormonal stages, you will become too tempting for him. Hence you are pointing out that he can't wait to get his hands on you. Then once he has thought about what he has done, he becomes confused and upset because he doesn't really find you attractive.

    He should not be taking it out on you though. By the sounds of it, it is him making the moves. So I don't know why he is taking his frustrations out on you. He will probably be feeling guilty himself, as well as frustrated by you tempting him (even though you may not actively be tempting him).

    If he has only known you for a bit, most men will usually have no problem with using you for sex. If he has known you for a while and you are a friend, using you for sex would weigh heavily on his mind.

    This guy is clearly not interested in you, as you say he has clearly you told you this. And by the fact that he keeps going hot and cold all the time, pretty much confirms that he does not have a firm interest in you as a girlfriend.

  • At 10/01/2005 8:36 pm, Blogger confused said…


    Wonder if you can help me...

    Met this guy a few weeks ago and we spent a few days together with others. Since going back to living at opposite ends of the country from each other, we've spent a long time speaking to each other on MSN. We've discussed hobbies, hopes, fears, dreams, everyday stuff, personal stuff etc. Some days we can speak for hours, others very little time, but we speak most days. The conversations are initiated about half and half between us.
    Could he like me? Would a guy spend so long talking to someone on MSN unless he fancied them or is he just being friendly or is he plain bored? I'm pretty confused!

  • At 10/01/2005 9:09 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    You say:
    "Would a guy spend so long talking to someone on MSN unless he fancied them or is he just being friendly or is he plain bored?"
    No he wouldn't spend so long talking to you on MSN if he didn't find you interesting either as a friend or potential girlfriend. More likely a potential girlfriend because men are very unlikely to put any effort into talking to someone on a regular basis at the opposite end of the country if he did not see some benefit in it.

    Moreover if he was bored, he would not want to bore himself even further by communicating with someone he did not find interesting. Plus you indicate he has communicated with you several times, he is not going to come back for more, if you are boring him.

    Could he like me? It is possible, but as you are communicating together remotely it is hard to say without actually meeting up with him. He certainly sees some benefit in continuing to communicate with you.

  • At 10/02/2005 1:43 pm, Blogger smiler36 said…

    I met a guy 4 weeks ago and we immediately hit it off. We had 3 lovely weeks in which we saw each regularly and we both felt that we had found someone special. However, his ex girlfriend has come back on the scene and they are giving their relationship one last try. He has been honest with me over all this and he admits that their relationship is self destructive and he is unsure as to whether it will last. I know that the factors which caused their split are still present. He is the kind of man who has never been unfaithful to a partner, however, we met up 2 nights ago for a drink and he was his usual touchy feely self. Kissing me and holding hands etc. We had lovely evening, almost as if nothing had changed. Do you think that he may come back to me? He has told me that he does not trust the woman he has gone back to and he is aware that she is still in touch with the guy she has just left. Do I wait for him, because I feel that he is the one for me.

  • At 10/02/2005 7:03 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    "Do you think that he may come back to me?"

    If it does not work out with his girlfriend, then almost certainly yes, he will come back to you. It is very likely that his relationship with his current girlfriend will break down at some point. For a start if she has wandered off with someone else once, she is more than likely to do it again. Secondly very few second chances at relationships work out, because eventually you hit the same problems you had before.

    "He has told me that he does not trust the woman he has gone back to and he is aware that she is still in touch with the guy she has just left."

    The same rules apply to woman as men. If they are unfaithful once, they are always going to be unfaithful. He is right not trusting her and probably a bit disillusioned to go back to her.

    "Do I wait for him, because I feel that he is the one for me."
    It is just a question how long it will take for their relationship to break down again. It could be days, months or even years. Do you really want to wait that long? Secondly if he really fancied you that much then why shouldn't he give you priority over her. But I suppose your relationship with him has only been short and this other girlfriend has been more long term, so he probably feels attached more to this other girlfriend.

    I personally would say don't wait around, if he gets back to you before you find another decent boyfriend, then that's a bonus. If he doesn't get back to you before you find a new boyfriend, then tough luck to him. Or you have a choice between him and your new boyfriend!

  • At 10/02/2005 7:42 pm, Blogger smiler36 said…

    One more question....should i keep in touch with him via the odd text, just to see how he is doing, and to keep me in his thoughts??? Or should i give him his space? Thanks

  • At 10/03/2005 1:31 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    It certainly won't hurt to send him the odd text. Just don't send too many, too often, otherwise he will think you are a stalker (otherwise known as a bunny boiler).

  • At 10/06/2005 7:08 pm, Blogger Pam said…

    There is a guy i am on friendly terms with and he's really confusing me.

    I don't really know how to start, i think he likes me, sometimes i think he fancies but then i think i may be mis-reading the signs and he is just being friendly

    I've known him now for several months, he works at an eating place i frequent, he's not a waiter so he wouldn't get any tips.
    He first spoke to me saying he'd seen me on the train i later found out he lives near me and sometimes get the same train.
    Gradually over time when on the same train we'd walk into work together both of us work for different companies but near each other. So we'd talk to each other ask each other questions and all that.

    He also has flirted with me. excuse touching on the arm seveal times, and once on the back.

    Many times when i've gone into his workplace he has told me to get out that i've been banned, followed by a beaming smile.

    There has been eye contact too, more than a couple of seconds worth. On more than one occassion.

    Nothing more has happened which i'm happy with as he is as i've discovered recently married. A path that i don't want to go down.

    How do i know he's married, well he has a mother in law, a ring on THAT finger and a young boy.

    I just want to know what is going on here am i mistaking flirting for plain friendliness.

  • At 10/08/2005 9:09 am, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    You say: "touching on the arm several times, and once on the back." Men rarely touch women they don't find attractive. Would you touch a man you don't find attractive?

    His joking nature emphasizes the fact that he fancies you.

    You say "There has been eye contact too" Eye contact alone can mean nothing, but together with the other signs you have told me about, it is conclusive.

    You say: "am i mistaking flirting for plain friendliness" No, with men it is black and white. He flirts with someone he fancies and doesn't flirt with anyone he doesn't fancy. He could fancy going out with you, he could just fancy a bit on the side because his wife is not giving him enough.

    When men get married, they tend to find that more women find them attractive. As a consequence some men just can't help flirting, because there are so many other women flirting with him. Some men can't resist having affairs with some of those women.

    My opinion on the situation, is unless they have split with their wife or tell you they are immensely unhappy with their wife and are thinking about splitting, then stay well away from going out with this type of man.

    Having an affair in most cases is bad news for you, because it is more than likely he wants you as a bit on the side, so he will go home to his wife at the end of the day. Plus if he has been unfaithful with one woman, if he does split with his wife and go out with you, he will more than likely be unfaithful to you as well.

  • At 10/08/2005 9:38 pm, Blogger Pam said…

    Thanks for the reply there.

    It's good to get someone's opinion (in this case a male opinion) from someone impartial (if that's the right word)
    I was worried i might be jumping the gun but from what you said. I'll certainly will limit contact with him. Can't actually cut all contact with him unless i move house and change jobs. Which is unlikely at the moment and not really pratical.
    But certainly will NOT get involved with him.

    Thanks for your imput.

  • At 10/17/2005 9:37 am, Blogger mels said…

    iv been seeing this man for the past year and a half, at the beging it was great he told me he was falling in love with me, then the next min he was saying i 'cant give you what you want' so we would spilt, then a week later would be back together,these silly game carryed on for mounths, he then said he was in love with someone else, so split again, but he still would txt me and say he's missing me, like a fool id still have sex with him, now the realsionship is over with this other lady,and has came running back to me, hes still in love with her as he has told me. but since that realtion spilt with her. we have became very close again, all the signs are there,
    he is alot older than me, and wonders what i see in him, think he maybe insicure. iv asked him whats going on beetween us and hes saying he cant commit, but he says he cares for me so much.
    what shall i do im in such a mess!!

  • At 10/17/2005 5:51 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi Mels
    The fact is, that he keeps leaving you for another woman and keeps saying he is unsure about your relationship. What I would decipher from that is you are not special enough to him to be considered his number one woman. And indeed he is unsure about whether he wants to have a relationship with you at all.

    The way I see it, is a bloke should treat the woman that he wants, as number one, no swaying off to other relationships and then coming back. Most blokes that do this are simply taking the mick out of women. Using their ex-girlfriends for sex when they are going through a rough patch.

    (Sorry!) My advice: ditch him and find someone that sees you as their number one woman.

  • At 10/18/2005 11:47 am, Blogger becky_88 said…

    hi, theres a guy that i have known for quite a while, but never really liked him till a few weeks ago. he's a notorious flirt but he seems always to want to be where i am, like i walk past where he is, and he'll go out of his way (it seems) to talk, but then he wont speak to me, and then will again. He also remembers nearly everything i have said. even if its pointless. he touches me alot and whenever we've had a bit to drink we always end up being together all the time, but never doing anything. i really want to be with him but i dont know how he feels or how to go about it...HELP!!!???

  • At 10/19/2005 4:44 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi Becky
    You say "but then he wont speak to me, and then will again". This is a standard thing that men do, because men find that if they act too eager women go off them. So they go hot and cold all the time to make sure the woman fall for them.

    You say "He also remembers nearly everything i have said", he is obviously very interested in what you say and hence must be very attracted to you if he takes the time to remember even minor details.

    You say "he touches me alot". Again men don't touch women they don't find attractive.

    You say "i really want to be with him, but i dont know how he feels or how to go about it" I am not sure what circumstances you meet him in (e.g. work, supermarket). But it sounds as though, you go out for a drink with him. So there are several ways to go about it
    - Pretend you are a bit drunk (but don't get drunk because you won't remember anything). That way you can do all sorts like lean on him as you are sitting down or walking down the street. But if you touch him too much, he might think it is the green light for sex. If he rejects you, you can just apologise for being a bit tipsy.
    - Throw some hints that you would like to go to a concert or the cinema. Not obvious hints, just bring it into the conversation "I am thinking about going to the concert, but none of my friends are available to go".

    I can't really guarantee that the above things will work, because it depends on the situation you are in and depends on your execution at the time, as well as many other factors.

    You just have to make yourself approachable without looking desperate and hopefully he will then fall for you.

  • At 10/19/2005 7:21 pm, Blogger smiler36 said…

    Hi, futher to my recent posts to you, there has been a development or two. The guy that i was talking about has now been dumped by his girlfriend(just as you indicated would happen). We have agreed to meet (as friends) for a coffee next week. However, i went to a wedding reception a few days ago and bumped into him just as i was going in to the venue. (he was at same venue for different reason). We had brief chat and then he gave me a big hug and kissed me on the mouth. Why?? Does this indicate that he still cares?? Or could he be just playing with my feelings??? I dont know what to think. Your advice would be most welcome. Thanks.

  • At 10/22/2005 10:15 am, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    You said "We had brief chat and then he gave me a big hug and kissed me on the mouth. Why??" I don't really know, but he obviously wanted to for some reason.

    You said "Does this indicate that he still cares??" It is obvious he still cares. He would not kiss you or hug you or agree to see you if he didn't care. I am not sure that "care" is the right word to use for men though, men only care significantly about women after they have been going out with them for a long time. Care in this case, means he cares about having a relationship with you.

    You said "Or could he be just playing with my feelings???" Well he could be, but in most cases things are black and white with men. The majority of men, don't play too many games with women. Women tend to be much more socially intelligent than men, which means if men play games, they usually end up losing (and men don't like losing!). It is women that tend to do the game playing and men have to respond to those games (some of them are quite annoying games). Most men certainly don't play with feelings, most of them don't know what the word "feelings" means.

    You said "Your advice would be most welcome". I can usually give a more definitive answer, but in your situation I am unsure. If this guy really fancied you, he should have given you priority over his previous girlfriend. But then he has not known you for that long and has had a long term attachment to his girlfriend. When you have been in love with a woman for a long time it is hard to break the relationship up, even if she has been cheating (and even if it is a completely stupid idea to give his girlfriend a second chance).

    Right, a more definitve answer: In your situation I think it is worth giving the relationship a go and see how it works out. You can always opt out if it is not working for you. You could have a guy who is confused about whether he wants his previous girlfriend or a new girlfriend. Or you could have a guy who has kept you as a reserve girlfriend in case, the other one did not work out. Which of those is true I can't tell you.

  • At 10/26/2005 12:07 pm, Blogger elocks said…

    Hi, I am 34 years old, divorced with a 7 year old chid. I met a divorced man with 2 children 10 and 15 who live with their mum and who he sees at weekends. This man asked me to his house for takeaway and I went. We had sex and I left in the morning. He texted me to say he would like to spend some more time with me again some time. That night I called him at 10pm as I had not heard from him and I said I did not want a relationship at it would interfere with my career , but the truth is I felt that he only wanted me for sex and I wanted to reject him befroe he messed with my head. So we left it at that. A few days later i texted him to say could we be friends and he replied yes. He came to my house for dinner twice as friends and we got on amazingly well. Platonic. A few days after that, I texted him and said I'd date him now if he asked me. He repleid the next day to say we should meet and talk about it face to face. I texted him again saying did he wan to date me or not and he told me he wanted to talk about it face to face. We met up and had sex, we did not talk about it. I accidently knocked him in the eye and he got quite angry at me and thatnight he said he could not sleep if I stayed at his place and I left and went home after sex at 1am (i live 10 mins away) It all felt a bit dramatic as I was cross that i was asked to leave his place after sex. He txt me that night saying how could things be so nice then end up so bad? I called him and left a messgae saying sorry for the accidently poke in the eye etc. The next day I got a text saying he would like to next see me in a week and hang out as mates? I rang him and we talked and he said he was confused about what he wanted and that alarm bells went off in his head when I got so cross when he asked me to leave that night. I said I wanted to date him and he said he needed to decide what he wanted. A week later he texted me 3 times which i ignored then he sent a text saying PLEASE txt me to say you are ok at least. So the next day I sebt a text to say i was o.k ans have a good day. he sent a cheeky flirty reply to which i sent an immediat flirty reply. Since then 2 days ago U have not heard from him and I have deleted his number. I dont know what to make of this, it all seems a bit of a mess. I dont know how he feels about me or what he wants. He is not treating me like a mate or like a sex buddy either. I am going crazy and my friends all say move on and forhet him completely, and to delete all future txts without reading them and not engage with him at all on any level because he is very confused or elas not into you really. Plaes can you shed some light. I really fancy him and ned to find a way to get him out of my system if he is messing me around. What do you think????

  • At 10/27/2005 6:11 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    You said "I accidently knocked him in the eye and he got quite angry at me and that night" It is human instinct for someone to get angry or uncomfortable if someone pokes you in the eye, whether it was accidental or not. I am sure if he had done the same to you, you would not have been too chuffed.

    You said "he said he could not sleep if I stayed at his place and I left and went home after sex at 1am" Wait a moment though, do you mean he got angry after you poked him in the eye and then he said you could not sleep the night, but then you had sex. If he was so angry he should have insisted that you went home straight after you poked him in the eye, not after you had sex. That is out of order of him and using the poking of the eye incident to get rid of you after he had used you for sex, if it was really in that order (or have I mis-interpreted what you said).

    You said "hang out as mates?" Mates that have casual sex, when he feels like it?

    You said "he said he was confused" I bet you were confused as well, but I bet you were not acting like an idiot.

    You said "alarm bells went off in his head when I got so cross when he asked me to leave that night" Oh, so you got cross with him, as well. If this had happened to me on a date, I would have put it down as a bad experience and not bothered to contact the woman again. First impressions last and the first impressions were bad in this case. You don't keep someone dangling and say you are confused and try and get back with them, it is just too indecisive. The fact he is indecisive at an early stage shows that it is not going to work out long term.

    You said "A week later he texted me 3 times" About the time when he was getting desperate for sex again?

    You said "seems a bit of a mess" If it's messy now, it is always going to be a mess.

    You said "He is not treating me like a mate or like a sex buddy either." So what benefit do you see in continuing the relationship?

    Virtually everything you said about him has been negative. I think your friends are right, forget about him.

  • At 10/28/2005 4:00 am, Blogger elocks said…

    Hi thanks for your comments. I need to clarify some points, not that it makes a difference really. We had sex, was really lovely etc, then he said he needed to sleep and I was going to stay. I then continued to act playful and he was not that into it as he was tired and wanted to sleep and as he reached towards me I was reaching towards him and knocked him in the eye with my elbow. Then, he said I dont think im gonna be able to get any sleep like this. I said do you want me to go and he said he had a spare room, or did i want him to drive me home, but I was a bit rejected and said no I would go and huffed about and put on my clothes in a big huff. I returned to say goodbye and was calm and kissed him gently. Also, I apologized several times and kissed his eye etc. He has not apologized for sending me away though. The sex cmae first , then the poke in the eye, then the cross feelongs from him then me.

  • At 10/28/2005 4:03 am, Blogger elocks said…

    Also, I'd like to add that he seems like a genuine lovely man etc but we just had an unfortunate beginning, with me chopping and changing my mind. I shtere any way I can change it around. I do feel we are compatible and there is also chemistry as well , which is rare for there to be both? Or am I fooling myself and this can not be turned around?

  • At 10/29/2005 10:25 am, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Ah that is not as bad as I thought then. The incident came after the sex.

    Again I must point out that whenever you hit some in the eye, whether it be playful, accidental or on purpose, it is going to put them on the defensive or make them a bit angry. It is simply human instinct (natural reaction for a man or a woman).

    You said "he was tired and wanted to sleep" I hear women saying lots that they get frustrated when men go to sleep straight after sex. The fact is that a man has just burned up so much energy, you would find it difficult not to sleep. If he really has put his full energy into sex, his muscles will be aching (even if he is a top athlete), some of his internal organs will be pretty worn out and one particular external organ will be particularly worn out. Even if the woman was on top and doing all the physical work, a man's body is still pumping blood at a much faster rate (mainly to supply the blood to that organ down below).

    I am not trying to say that women just lay there and do nothing, but the physical energy that a man's body burns up, is going to be greater than that of a woman. It is therefore enough to make a man, both tired and as a result a bit moody as well. Therefore if he is tired and not in the mood, don't wind him up. A man needs his sleep to regain his physical strength, never try to disturb a man's sleep (believe me he will be as grumpy as hell).

    You said "huffed about and put on my clothes in a big huff." Men hate huffy attitudes, the fact that he was tired would have made your huffy attitude even more annoying. Because when a man's tired he has an inability to humour anyone and work you out of your huffy attitude. Men sometimes laugh at a woman's attitude, because it is quite entertaining at the right time. But done at the wrong time, it makes women look like a spoilt brat, that wants their own way all the time. (That's what a man will be thinking, but of course he wouldn't dare say what he is thinking, because then the woman would get even worse).

    You said "He has not apologized for sending me away though" By apologising he would bring an unpleasant situation back into both your minds. He would also be apologising for something he wasn't sorry about. The fact is he wanted some sleep, the only way for him to get some sleep was to ask you to leave. A man would just want to forget about it and move on, not bring the issue up and potentially start an argument.

    You said "had an unfortunate beginning, with me chopping and changing my mind" You were obviously chopping and changing your mind for a reason. So in the back of your mind you are not sure about this guy. If your mind is unsure then I believe it is not going to work out long term.

    You said "Or am I fooling myself and this can not be turned around?" From a man's point of view, I think he would have probably been thinking like this:
    You poke him in the eye.
    I want some sleep, I am tired, she is going to have to go home, otherwise I am going to get more annoyed with her. She won't be able to resist messing about for the next few hours. So I am not going to get any sleep.
    Next morning comes, he thinks that was very embarrassing, I did not handle it well because I was tired, what will she think. I feel guilty about having sex with her and then telling her to go home. She was a nice enough woman. I really enjoyed the sex and really enjoyed her company before the sex took place. But I am so embarrassed, I don't want to really see this woman again because I know she is going to bring that issue up all the time. I don't want to constantly be reminded of that incident but she is likely to remind me every time she is in a mood with me. Her huffy attitude when I asked her to leave, really annoyed me and creeped me out, and reminded me of my ex-wife.
    A week later: I am desperate for sex and desperate for a woman's company. That lady from last week really did seem like the one for me. I don't know why I shunned her. Then the incident will go through his mind again. He will try to convince himself it was not that bad. I think I will contact her and try my luck. I don't really want to go through that incident again but maybe it was just a bad week. I am desperate for sex and a woman's company so it's either this lady or find someone else.

    Maybe I am wrong and he is not thinking this way. But it seems from the series of events that this is most likely what he is thinking. And you can pick up from what I am saying above, is that he is totally confused, more focused on sex and having the company of a woman, than focused on a long lasting relationship, where you live happy ever after.

    Of course you are in the situation and actually experiencing this situation and not all men are the same. I only tell women on this site what I think the majority of men think. So ultimately it is up to you. I personally think your friends are right "Move on and forget about him". I

    If the poking of the eye incident had happened a few months into the relationship then things would have probably worked out. So early in relationship, has really spoilt it in this case. But it has happened now (fate), and it wasn't meant to be.

  • At 10/30/2005 8:06 pm, Blogger elocks said…

    Hi thanks for your comments, i would like to give you an update on the situation and how you have helped a lot. I have not heard from him since my reply to his text last tuesday (5days ago) and I have not contacted him and plan to continue to give him space until he texts again (which im sure he will - its only time)my question is this : I feel this can be turned around especially givn that he texts me again, how should I respond to his texts to not appear desperate for him and to draw him close to me again, if he doesnt actually ask for a date but just sends general hi how are ya, hope youre weel, type texts??? Thanks.

  • At 10/31/2005 8:47 pm, Blogger elocks said…

    Hi, i wanted to update you on the situation, as it has changed again. I decided to take everyones (including yours) advice and comments on board and move on. However, I do want to be friends with him as when we were just friends we got on the best and had the best time together. So, I sent him a text and left a voicemail saying would he like to come and have coffee with me, and I got no response, so i left another voicemail the next day saying, i'd really like a text from him just to say either we can be friends and he would like to be invited for coffee again, or he would like to be left alone and not be conracted from me again, just a quick texty to let me know. I left this message in a nice, easy, friendly way, and it sounded better than it does here. I felt ok , not pushy or demanding , as it probrably sounds. Anyway, 1 minute after i left that voice message he sent me a text saying , Sorry Karen, speak later, x. So I felt better about leaving that message. I replied saying thanks, its not heavy, just want to know if i have a friend or if you dont want to know me at all. He sent another text saying he has just been busy, been away for the weekend and he does want to be friends and he will call me later if hes not too tired. My question is; do you think he is just saying this because i texted twice and left 2 messages for him?

  • At 11/02/2005 6:32 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    You said "He sent another text saying he has just been busy" Men can get busy and unlike women we can't focus on two things at once. In the past I have blanked women because I was just too busy to devote any time to a relationship. Women are a very heavy burden on your time and require a lot of devoted attention.

    So if he has got an important promotion coming up which will increase his wages, women become second priority at that point. He will be thinking, you only get one chance at the promotion, but there are plenty of women out there and plenty of time to find those women.

    Of course this is just one instance where a man has more important things to do. There are many other examples where relationships will be put on the back burner with men. Men don't give relationships as higher priority as women. That's not to say they won't eventually give a relationship high priority, it is just he needs time to dedicate himself to the relationship with no other distractions.

    You said "do you think he is just saying this because i texted twice and left 2 messages for him?" No I wouldn't say so. If he did not want you to text him, he would not have replied or would have replied saying don't text me again.

    Or maybe he did not know what to say or what to do, or what you meant after the first text. But after the second text, it made it easier for him to answer. Or maybe he just did not want to get too serious again. In your second text you diffused the relationship possibility, so that stopped him from thinking you maybe stalking him. That's a lot of possibilities and you could take your pick between those options. But in general if he did not want to know you, he would have either told you, or not bothered to text you again.

  • At 11/02/2005 10:09 pm, Blogger dippy_girl said…

    There is a guy at work who i really really like. I have however made a lot of mistakes. I did not fancy him when i started and he is asian (and so am i). I told him then that I never fancied asian men because i did not want to marry the male asian stereotype.

    Since that time we all went away to Prague with work, and me and him spent 4 hours in a nightclub just chatting. He told me he was seeing someone and spent a long time asking about my love life.

    I was then away for a month. When i got back i realised how much i liked him and as time as gone on it has got worst. We spend a lot of time flirting and always chat a lot on nights out again. A lot of people at work have commented on how well we get on and there appears to be some chemistry.

    However last week we went to another conference where on one night he just did not turn up. He said he fell asleep. The rest of the conference he paid me some flirty attention but at other times went cold.

    He has started to make comments about how i dolled myself up at the conference and i must have been on the pull. I definitely saw him looking at my breasts at one point during that week.

    However, this week I am confused. It is our new years day on the indian calender today and we usually try to spend these days with our families. We both live away from home and he asked me what I was doing. I said nothing and he was saying he wanted to gate crash someone's family do. I said that I was not going home so couldn't crash mine. He later said at lunch that he could do with a home cooked meal. I replied I could not cook so again could not oblige.

    At the end of the day he came to tell me he was going home and that he was low as it had not felt like a special celebration this year. He started talking about other things as well.

    I started to tease him to say he could come to my mums if he wanted and he said no which is fine.

    About 10 minutes later I suggested we went for a drink(just as mates). He said no he was going to home and to the gym

    But if he likes me he would have come wouldn't he?

  • At 11/03/2005 3:05 am, Blogger lara said…

    I was at a leaving party the other weekend and meet a guy there, we hit it off immediately. We left together and went back to my house, though nothing happened, we just fell asleep in the spooning position. Then he stayed till late afternoon watching dvds, we swapped numbers. But he lives out of town, about two hours from me. I just want a little bit of fun as I know it cant lead to anything, so how do I get him interested in "dirty weekends" without actually having to ask him (through text first of all). I dont do serious relationships as i have a very busy life and I'm very socialable. Basically how do I get him interested in a bit of naughtieness, so he actually thinks up the idea himself.

  • At 11/03/2005 6:50 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi dippy_girl
    You said "A lot of people at work have commented on how well we get on and there appears to be some chemistry" People can have a lot of chemistry as friends, it does not necessarily mean they would be good in a relationship. Two people at my work, bounce off each other in conversation, jokes and flirting wise. Everyone including me reckon they would be good as an item. But when you even suggest they could be an item, they both give a repulsed look. They both have had plenty of chance to get together at parties, but neither is really interested in the other in that way.

    You said "he paid me some flirty attention but at other times went cold" This is nothing conclusive, I find myself giving women I don't fancy, some flirty attention all the time. I just can't stop myself, it is built into my personality.

    You said "I definitely saw him looking at my breasts" Still not conclusive. If women have a nice pair, a man just can't help looking at them. I was in a meeting the other day and there was a woman in her late 50's with a lot cut top. I could not keep my eyes off her breasts, despite my brain telling me to stop several times. She really was not attractive to me, but for some reason everytime I lost my concentration, my eyes dropped down to her boobs.

    You said "I said that I was not going home so couldn't crash mine., I replied I could not cook so again could not oblige." Two negative replies, he would probably draw the conclusion that you are not interested.

    You said "started to tease him to say he could come to my mums if he wanted and he said no which is fine., I suggested we went for a drink, He said no he was going home". It could be that he is mirroring exactly what you have done. By giving you two negative answers back. Or he could have just lost his patience with you after the two negative answers, and thought he can't be bothered making an effort. He may have thought you were been serious, when you offered to take him home to see your mam. Men certainly don't want to meet the parents on a first date, the very thought of it (joke or not), is enough to put him off.

    You said "But if he likes me he would have come wouldn't he?" I would have thought if he was interested he would have said yes, pretty much jumped at the chance. I think you would be better off looking for someone else, you are both not on the same wavelength at the same time.

  • At 11/03/2005 7:17 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi lara
    You said "we just fell asleep in the spooning position. Then he stayed till late afternoon watching dvds, we swapped numbers." Sounds like the guy, most women dream of. It is a pity you are not looking for a serious relationship. For you to meet someone at a party, take him back to your house, not have sex, but to fall to sleep in an intimate position, just seems like a match made in heaven so far. Then to add to that the fact that he stayed until afternoon and watched dvds (What a man!).

    You said "So how do I get him interested in "dirty weekends" without actually having to ask him" Well all you need to do is to exchange some boring texts ("How are you doing? What are you getting up to at the moment?"). After a few texts one of you is going to crack and ask to meet up for a drink or meal or whatever.

    After a great night out, it is bound to end up back at your place or his place. There is no need to be pushy, it will happen, when it happens. But make sure you give him a few vital clues that you want to get physical. Like touching him, starting off, just on the arm or somewhere non intimate, not forceful touches, just naturally touching when you are talking to him.

    The important part is don't be pushy, don't look desperate, don't be aggressive, just move slowly.

    You said "how do I get him interested in a bit of naughtieness, so he actually thinks up the idea himself" I really can't imagine him, not thinking of being naughty. It is one of the things a man is guaranteed to think about every day for most of the day. And I am sure he has thought of being naughty with you. You just have to give him that chance to be naughty, and show you are interested without looking desperate.

    The fact is, it is about him making the rights moves at the right time and you making the right moves at the right time. You have to be synchronized with each others feelings and make the right physical and verbal moves at the right time.

  • At 11/04/2005 8:21 pm, Blogger Pam said…

    Yes its me again.

    I have been avoiding contact with this man but he lives near me.
    Caught the same train last week i didn't see him. And he came and sat with me. He never did that before always choosing a seat further away from me.
    He had started talking to me again.
    The week before he told me he had seen me earlier and asked if i was avoiding him. Followed by a gentle punch in the arm.

    anyway last week while sitting with me he asked about my plans for the weekend (he works weekends i don't). I didn't think much about that. Just friendly banter.
    But then he asked if i lived alone. Not if i had a boyfriend or anything. This threw me a little bit.
    People i have spoken to have said i should be wary of this guy.

  • At 11/06/2005 3:00 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi Pam.
    You said "I have been avoiding contact with this man. And he came and sat with me". He probably detected that you were avoiding contact with him. And was curious as to why. And now is desperate to get back on good terms with you. And desperation means getting on the same train and sitting next to you.

    "he asked about my plans for the weekend" Probably as you said, just general conversation, something to talk about. Or it could be that he is trying to work out whether you have found a man, and whether that is why you are avoiding him.

    "But then he asked if i lived alone." Scary! Maybe he just worded it wrong. But then again he may be wanting to find out if you have a boyfriend living with you.

    "People i have spoken to have said i should be wary of this guy". Judging by what you have told me in the past and what you tell me now, I think they are right, avoid him.

    The fact is, he has a wife and a young boy, so he should not be trying to get women on trains to invite him back to their place. Fine if he is divorced or seperated from his wife, but not if he is seeking a bit on the side. If that is really what he is doing!

    If he asks what you are doing this weekend again, tell him your boyfriend is taking you out on a mystery date. Hopefully he will get the idea. Try and sit next to someone on the train, so that he can't sit next to you.

  • At 11/06/2005 3:18 pm, Blogger PauLiE0-BoI said…


    Well im 17 and im gay. I go to college now. Every weekend i meet my School mates. Go for a drink, go cinema, or more recently we went to go see the firework displays.

    Anyway, theres this one boy i really like and he makes me laugh soo much!..and his really sweet and kind to me and i dont know if his interested or not!?

    Last week i got very drunk and some of my mates walked me to the bus stop. one of my mates and i got on the bus and he shouted out 'txt me when you get home to let me know you got home ok'..did he say that cause he fancys me in some way....or is he just being really nice?

    I feel most of the time he talks to me he trys to make me laugh (which he does!)

    and a couple of parties ago he keeps teasing me because i called the dog by the wrong name...(he teases me in a nice way)

    and when his drunk he jokes about with me about having breasts and he gropes me! :S...

    Im really stuck! he's straight but i dont know what he really thinks! am i looking to much into it?

    xxx PauLiE BoI

  • At 11/06/2005 3:57 pm, Blogger SeduceMen said…

    Hi PauLiE BoI

    Got to admit, I don't know enough about gay men to advise you. So anything that I say is only guesswork really. I have only known about 4 openly gay men in my whole life time. One of which only became openly gay when he was 21 years old and at university. He had girlfriends when we were at sixth form college, so you would not of thought he was gay. So this suggests that some men that appear straight, can often turn out to be gay (maybe there is a bit of confusion with some men when they are in their teens "Am I straight or am I gay?"). This maybe the case with your guy or it may not be case at all.

    What I do know is that quite a few straight men can find gay men very entertaining, me included. Gay men are very different and can be very camp. That different personality can produce good friendships. The only problem is that straight men, tend to get scared that the gay men are going to find them attractive.

    In my case one of those men I knew, asked me out to the cinema. This scared the hell out of me, because this person was a good friend, yet he fancied me and I was 100% straight. And I didn't know how to deal with it, without hurting his feelings.

    Another point about some (not all) straight men, is when they are drunk they can sometimes act gay and get very touchy feely with other men. So beware of drunken men being over friendly. Hormones go wild when men are drunk, so it could be a case that their judgement is clouded when they are drunk and anything sexual is attractive to them (whether it be men or women). Because they are really straight, when they are sober again they really end up regretting it.

    "'txt me when you get home to let me know you got home ok'" Mates always look out for each other, so I think this point alone is not conclusive.

    "about having breasts and he gropes me" Because you are gay, he has a whole load of unique jokes and humour to use with you. Gay men are different and their different nature makes for a more exciting conversation. I joke with my friends all the time, and my friends joke with me and grope me when they are drunk. That doesn't mean any of us are gay.

    I would say, unless you know he is definitely gay, don't make a move, because you will ending up being embarrassed. Though don't take my word as gospel because this is definitely not my specialist subject.

  • At 11/02/2011 3:22 am, Blogger leading said…

    Eating is always a decision, nobody forces your hand to pick up food and put it into your mouth.

    How to loss a weight

    bye bye good night


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